The Love I Had Been Looking For

I woke up and saw a post from Liang, little everyday moments with his son, and I found myself envying his son. It reminded me of something. I used to envy little Bai too, the way Little Zhang would call him to wake up, so gently.

And then I understood what the gap in me actually was. No one has ever loved me like that. Unconditionally. Well. At a high enough quality to call it love. That's probably why I envy them, because they have that. I want to try it. I want to see if my own unconditional love could be exchanged for one in return. Though even mine isn't really unconditional. It comes with conditions too, with intentions and motives underneath it. So it isn't pure either.

But love, I think, is probably limited for everyone. Except for a few people, it can't be borne toward just anyone. So the heartbreak, the hurt, over and over, probably came down to one thing: I was never the one, irreplaceable, in anyone's life.

Betrayed. Given up on. Weighed against someone else and set aside. Used as a means.

Is there anything in this world that belongs only to me, that makes me irreplaceable?

I don't think there is.

Added, 2026.8.8:

I found the love I was looking for. Unconditional. Eternal. Toward God.

Every longing gets answered.